Social Anxiety to Social Confidence

I promise not to make this a blog about the Britain’s Got Talent TV show, I am not even a great fan of TV, but both contestant Susan Boyle, and now Jamie Pugh, represent different sides of social anxiety that warrant some discussion.

Last Saturday, 37 year old Jamie Pugh, described as possibly ‘the most nervous contestant we’ve ever had’, sang ‘Bring Him Home’ from Les Miserables, and he sang it very well! He sufferers from severe stage fight (a common form of social anxiety) and wanted to go on the show to confront his fears. He gave the distinct impression that overcoming his fear of stage fright was much more important to him than winning the contest, although I am sure he would like to win too! I am sure anyone struggling with severe social anxiety knows only too well that overcoming it would be a bigger prize than singing in front of the queen. You can see Jamie’s performance by clicking on his picture below.

Some of you might be wondering that, if he has social anxiety, then how could he do something so bold? The answer to that really is, we do not know, only Jamie knows, but there are some distinct possibilities. Firstly, while some people with social anxiety find almost all social situations painful, for others only specific situations will fill them with fear and dread. They do not necessarily feel less anxiety though, it is just that they do not feel so vulnerable in other social situations. Secondly, while some people are mostly avoidant and hardly ever enter the situations they find most anxiety provoking, others will be determined to not let social anxiety hold them back and will endure experience after experience of painful anxiety to carry on with life. It sounds likely though that Jamie has been avoidant up until this point and now his desires to fulfil his dreams, and possibly a little encouragement from family and friends, has driven him to face his worst fears.

Like many people with social anxiety, Jamie’s worst fear is that his performance will leave him in a vulnerable position. He states that he fears he will just freeze and not be able to perform, but the fear will go deeper than this. Most likely he not only fears that freezing will mean he could miss his opportunity, but more so that he will be judged negatively and ridiculed for appearing vulnerable, which is actually quite possible given the judges comments to other contestants. But respect where respect is due and despite Jamie’s nervousness on stage, his talents are recognised by both the audience and judges. In fact, it is quite likely that his vulnerability will inspire compassion and the public will not only vote for his talent, but also because they want to see his life change for the better. It will be up to Jamie now to put in the work to boost his confidence as I suspect it will take more than one performance to shift his lack of self-belief, but I hoped to be proved wrong.

He will have to work hard on giving himself encouragement, having faith in his abilities, having faith in the public to be kind and trusting himself to cope with whatever is to come. It will most likely be a fear that he cannot cope with rejection that is the even deeper root fear that lies behind his fear of being judged negatively. Social anxiety is not so much a lack of trust in other people, but more a lack of trust in ourselves to deal with the situations that go wrong for us. When he can learn to take actions that reflect the mindset of self-belief his confidence will grow and his fears will fade. As with so many people struggling with social anxiety, Jamie obviously is very harsh on himself at the moment and this is reflected in his inability to accept and enjoy praise. You can see the disbelief on his face as he tries to process the extended applause the audience and judges give. It is such contrast to what goes on inside his head and how he views himself that it is almost hard for him to bare. He cries as for this this brief moment he feels loved enough to let his guard down and be vulnerable, I just hope for his sake that he can learn to leave it down and place trust in not only himself, but also other people. Best of luck to you Jamie.

Birthdays – are they a time for celebration for you? When a person is socially anxious, times for celebration can become associated with stress, anxiety and depression. You may dread the added attention that birthdays can bring. Things such as surprise parties, receiving gifts, birthday phone calls and singing happy birthday can turn what is supposed to be a joyous event into an endless stream of anxiety provocation. Avoiding telling people about your birthday might seem like the solution, but this can leave one feeling depressed as it can seem like no one cares.

I remember my 21st birthday. With being quite socially anxious at the time it was an achievement that I actually went out to a pub with some people I knew that night, but a celebration it certainly was not. In my usual style back then I spent most of the evening sitting quietly and not speaking to anyone. It so happened that everyone was celebrating someone else’s birthday who I did not know that night. The result was that no one gave me a card or wished me a happy birthday while I sat and watched them celebrate someone else’s.

As with many other birthdays of mine, I felt sad and hurt that no one had recognised that it was my birthday and made the effort to express their birthday wishes to me. I could blame these people for being insensitive and not caring but the truth is that it was mostly my fault. I had not invested much effort into building my relationships with those people, and in fear of too much attention being focused on myself or coming across as vain, I had also not made it clear to anyone that it was my birthday that specific night and I wanted them to celebrate it with me.

Although I was probably upset with the people at the time, I now take responsibility for what happened that night and can see that I did not put in what was necessary for me to have the experience I wanted on that night. By taking responsibility for the poor outcome I put myself in a position where there is a path for me to take to change that outcome. Although it may be hard for us to do sometimes, it is important to recognise that we need to take active steps to create the social experiences we want in our lives. We will get out what we put in and if we do not put anything into our relationships then we cannot make others solely responsible for the quality of our social experiences.

It may seem like a depressing situation where your relationships are unfulfilling because you do not put much into them while at the same time you feel unable to put much into them because of your social fears, but this view is only depressing if you believe you cannot change the situation. An alternative view is to see such situations as fuel for your motivation to change and improve your life. If social anxiety stands in your way then you must work on your social confidence until you can experience life as you want it.

A large part of becoming more socially confident is learning to accept that you are, or have the potential to be, a likable and lovable person. Social anxiety sufferers commonly find it hard to accept compliments and positive attention but it is an important to welcome it as part of making progress. You may not directly have a choice over whether you feel confident or anxious, but you do have a choice over your response to positive attention. If you choose to dismiss people’s or avoid positive attention then you may avoid feelings of embarrassment and having focus put on you, but you also harm your confidence and reject other people’s kindness. With this option no one gains. If you choose to allow yourself positive attention by not avoiding it and saying thank you to the compliments you recieve then you add value to your sense of self-worth and add to the other person’s sense of contribution without rejecting their kindness. It is important to remember that when someone gives you positive attention they want you to feel good about yourself and therefore they will not think negatively about you if you choose to accept it and enjoy it.

Birthdays are what you make of them and the meaning you give them. They can mean you are another year closer to death or they can mean you have successfully survived another year of life. They can be a trigger of negative emotions or they can be an opportunity to feel loved and positively connect with people. They can be a depressing reminder of your situation or they can be a motivator to change that situation. Choose carefully and put in the effort to make them what you want them to be, whether than means choosing to welcome positive attention or choosing to give your self the gift of time invested in building up your social confidence.