Social Anxiety to Social Confidence

As the title suggests, what I want to talk about is why it’s a good idea to welcome and accept your anxiety. This may go against a lot of people’s initial instincts, but there’s a very good reason to do it.

What we first must understand is that our goal should not be to get rid of our anxiety, but rather to address the parts of our psychology that produce it at inappropriate times. Anxiety is a horrible feeling, and it’s supposed to be, because it’s purpose is to make us avoid danger, not want to stick around it, but the anxiety wouldn’t be half as bad if it was just a physcial sensation that didn’t have any meaning behind it. It’s the meaning behind it that is our real target and once we understand that, we can start really making progress, rather than just fruitlessly fighting our anxiety.

So what is it that causes us our anxiety and our social distress? Well, contra to popular belief, it’s not what we fear that people will do to us or say about us. It’s true that it’s the fear of what people will do and say that is at the forefront of our minds, but what we’re usually really scared of is that we won’t cope if those people actually do or say those things. If we doubt ourselves and don’t trust ourselves to cope with what life throws at us then we end up feeling anxious about what life might throw at us. The goal therefore isn’t to become good enough so that people don’t reject us or do nasty things to us, but rather it is to have enough self-worth to trust ourselves to handle it when people do reject us or do nasty things to us.

By accepting and welcoming our anxiety we are sending a strong message to ourselves that we are able to cope with the anxiety and handle the situation, but when we try to fight our anxiety and control it we send ourselves a message that says, “I need to control this situation because I won’t be able to cope with it if I don’t”. Trying to fight or control anxiety is a losing battle, because the more you do it, the more you send a message to yourself that you’re at risk and therefore the more anxious you feel. Instead, welcome and accept the anxiety when you feel it and have faith in yourself to handle its presence and the situations you’re in. Only then will anxiety start to fade away and be replaced by confidence.