Are People Laughing at You?
If you are a social anxiety sufferer then it is quite likely that there has been a time when it has felt like people are laughing at you. Sure, everyone gets laughed at a few times in their life, but the difference with social anxiety is that, it feels like people are laughing at you, but they are not.
I used to be so self-conscious and paranoid about how I appeared to others that I would frequently feel like people were laughing at me. Was I walking oddly? Was there something stuck on my back? Was my hair sticking up? Maybe my flies were undone? Or perhaps, did they think I just looked pain weird? I did not feel able to, for example, check if something was stuck on my back because it felt like I was playing into the joke or would just look odd checking nothing. I would end up trying to look in shop windows to check how I was appearing to others, but struggled to find a way to do it discretely. As with many people with social anxiety, my self-focus was not an act of vanity, I was trying to manage what felt like an intimidating and vulnerable situation.
Even though my appearance was not great, I now understand that there was nothing about myself that warranted other people to laugh at me and those people probably did not even notice me at all. My feelings felt very real, but as much as I tried to convince myself that they were probably laughing at something else, doubt kept in creeping into my mind. Eventually, though, I did overcome this problem. This was quite an ingrained problem and was one of the last aspects of my social anxiety to leave me.
Although not a complete solution, an important part of overcoming this paranoia is to look up at the people who are laughing. That can be hard to do as our natural response is often to be submissive and look down or away, but through looking away we starve ourselves of any information that may counter our paranoid assumptions. By looking up at the people who are laughing, we get to find out if they are really looking at us. As you might know logically, it is quite unlikely that they are, but by actually seeing for yourself you get real evidence, and that can have a powerful effect on your feelings. Of course, it may be that they really are looking in your direction and laughing (although this is rarely the case), but in this situation the exercise can still be valuable. What we see with our eyes is usually not as bad as what our imagination can create for us, so by looking up we still help ourselves.
Sometimes when we are anxious and it feels like other people do not like us, then we can react in a negative way when there is actually nothing to react to. This can sometimes cause the situations we fear happening, to actually happen. So when you look up at people who are laughing, make sure you are operating from an attitude of curiosity rather than defence. Just take a quick look and do not stare. Also, if you make eye-contact, then give a quick smile and keep going about your business. It is always best to take the approach of innocent until proven guilty. It is often more our reactions to situations that give them meaning than people’s original intentions.
Everyone’s experience in unique, so please feel free to share yours by posting a comment.
Tags: eye contact, Feeling Intimidated, Feels like people are laughing, Reacting to People, Self-Consciousness, Social Phobia, Vanity
January 8th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I totally relate to this! It’s not always about laughing for me though, I can become very self-focused on various aspects of myself and generating an internal image of how I think I look to others. Which just seems to feed into itself further.
Ive started focusing around me, even when I maybe think people are vlooking at me negatively, and giving myself counter-evidence as you mention. The difference is, for me, this isn’t really the ‘last’ aspect of my SA Im tackling but more the first. It’s giving me information I was previously unaware of and so helping break down a vicious cycle. I therefore feel more able to do simple things that used to be a big strain, such as shopping. Not having to worry about your internally generated images is such a relief!
February 5th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
i appreciate you putting this up, but i swear when i’m on the train i notice people staring at me then when i look at them their staring me directly in the eye with a big smile on their face, like thiers somethings funny about me.sometimes i want to swear at them or resort to violence. how am i being paranoid?
February 5th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Hi Ali,
What you describe is not uncommon. When we’re socially anxious everything can seem like a threat and our strong feelings can easily cloud our perception of what is happening. This does not mean that we see different things from other people, but rather that the assumptions we make about what things mean becomes distorted. It can be very difficult to untangle our emotions from the situation, but not impossible.
It is possible that these people thought something was funny about you, but if you’ve experienced this on a regular basis or more than a couple of times, and you also experience social anxiety, then it’s highly likely that what you think is happening in the situation is more influenced by your emotions than what is actually happening. This can make an innocent comment or look seem like a threat. I experienced this on a regular basis and many other people with social anxiety also experience this. Bigger problems would arise if you reacted to your feelings as you can end up turning an innocent or friendly person against you. For example, if you swore at the person smiling at you they might react by laughing at you, walking off and calling you a weirdo or something along those lines. This would then seem to confirm what you felt when they were smiling at you, but what actually happened was you turned them against you by reacting to an inaccurate perception of the situation. If you smiled back instead or initiated a conversation then you might find evidence that goes against what you are feeling and have a very different experience.
People often people watch as there’s not much to do on trains or buses, or they are often lost in their thoughts and might be staring at people without realising it. This can be embarrassing for them when they realise because you look at them. When strangers make eye-contact, the typical response is for the stranger to smile back. It’s a non-verbal message that says ‘I acknowledge you, I am friendly and not a threat’, but of course with social anxiety this message gets distorted and can be interpreted as ridicule or a threat. We take it personally and become concerned that the other person thinks something bad about us, but this is to do with our self-perceptions rather than the other person.
Because our reactions (including just our facial expression) can cause problems when none exist, it’s a good idea to always assume that other people’s intentions are good unless you encounter strong evidence that suggests otherwise. This does not mean to do away with caution, but if we always respond positively then it usually works out best for us.
1. If the other person had good intentions then your positive response obviously is appropriate and there’s a good outcome to the situation.
2. If the other person’s intentions are bad and you give a positive response then they are put in a difficult situation where they have to start being nice or show themselves up to having bad intentions while you maintain your integrity and they do not.
Often with social anxiety, people often assume everyone’s intentions are bad which can cause them a lot of confusion, frustrations and problems. This is sometimes because they have been continually treated badly in the past leaving them to think that other people are generally not nice. It is important to go against the flow of those past experiences and prove to ourselves that this is not the case. Most people (not everyone) are usually nice well-meaning people. To help yourself enter a situation with the assumption that people will respond in a nice way it can help to imagine them responding in a nice way just before you approach them.
I hope this helps.
All the best,
Nick
April 14th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Great tips.
April 18th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
I am crying right now because I thought I was the only one that felt like this. I am glad this is up.
I had a fight lastnight with my fiance. It was over him and this clerk laughing at me. In the store though, i kept my cool until we got to our vehicle though.
We went to a liquor store. I asked the lady where I could find SOHO LYCHEE liquor. She helped and I was greatful. My fiance and I strolled around a bit and went to her till. She asked what I would mix with the product she helped me find? I told her and I was not finished, but my fiance stepped in and joked, “Liar-she’s gonna drink it straight from the bottle outside.” She laughed histrically. I didn’t hear him mind you, but she did. At that moment I was getting a little angry because she seemed to be laughing at me. I said, “I don’t know what he even said?” She’s still laughing and says, “Nothing.” My man laughing-their laughing together. I’m like whatever, but it still making me feel uncomfortable so i stay quiet,red, speechless with alittle smile to not show anger.
So anyway, hear I am trying to figure out what to do? even with my fiance. i slept on the couch last night. he knows I’m angry but wants me to forget about it and thinks I’m ridiculous, which i am, but thier my feelings. Until reading this post today, I felt like I was going crazy.Mind you having SA can feel like at times. I wasn’t always like this, and one post was correct when he/she said that it is also from past experiences. I think people have laughed at me before. I strive to move that fear away from me with great difficulty and it comes with me whereever I am. In all my past relationships I acn think of instances where I have felt like this and even in my school. I don’t really talk much there with anyone. i don’t have good friends anymore partly because of this fear of socializing.
Thank-you again everyone for your compassion
April 18th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
I just have to add something…
how do you know for sure if you are just being paranoid or not about a person or people in genral? I do not want to ignore that their are cruel people out there, that may very well be trying to get you mad? I try my hardest to see good in everyone and sometimes that fails me too because the person that I thought was so nice turns out to be someone I wouldn’y want to hang out with. That i swher two-faced came to be. Some people are too fake for me and I can not stand it. It are those same type of people that are rude and abnoxious. help?! how do I trust when my past experience has proven that there are mean people out there and people that are not compassionate to others-they do not know me, but they do judge, which is one of many feelings you get when having SA.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Hi C,
Thanks for leaving a comment. It can be very emotional when you first find out about others going through the same and when speaking about it for the first time. I remember welling up and holding back the tears when I spoke to my doctor about it, who was the first person I’d every spoken to face to face about it. The years of built up pain and fear just start pouring out of you.
I think your words most likely echo how many people with social anxiety feel. Most, if not all, people with social anxiety are very sensitive to anything that could even slightly be seen as criticism, ridicule or aggression. And as you point out, one of the hardest things about it is not being able to see if our feeling are justified. Am I overreacting or am I justified in being upset? Am I letting this person walk all over me? Should I assert myself, or will I be overreacting? It can be very confusing.
There is no easy answer to this, but as you work on building your confidence, what it right and wrong in these situations will become clearer to you. It is about what has happened in the past, but more importantly, it is about how we’ve come to think of and treat ourselves because of the past. When we believe in ourselves and have confidence in who we are and what we’re about, the things other people say do not feel so personal. Typically, the things other people say hurt because we are either very scared of losing their love or are dependant on them, because we believe that what they say might actually be true about ourselves (even though it might actually not be), or it triggers painful memories of the past (or often, all three). It’s important to recognise that these are all things about ourselves, but of course that also does not mean we should accept people being disrespectful towards us.
Having been on both sides myself, I have an idea of how painful situations like this can be for both yourself and your fiancé. To you it feels like the person you love and are devoted to is being totally disrespectful and hurtful by siding with others and making fun of you. It feels like they don’t care about you. To him it feels like the girl he loves and is devoted to is accusing, and maybe even punishing, him for something he’s not done and now she’s not trusting his explanation either. It feels like she doesn’t care about him. If you had a problem with alcohol and he knew about it then what he said would be a hurtful thing to say. I would be hurt too, but it does sound more like he was just trying to be funny, funny because going outside and necking down the bottle on one go is so not what you’d typically do, but because you couldn’t hear what they said, the situation seemed reminiscent of past experiences and brought up lots of old negative feelings which made you feel like they were being nasty to you and making fun of you, just like other have been towards you.
It’s easy for things to get tangled up like this with social anxiety. It often matters how people say things as well as what they say, but with social anxiety, our feelings can make words sound spiteful and judgemental even when that’s not the case. If you know that you are very sensitive then it’s probably a good idea to discuss it with your partner at a time when things are ok so he can understand better. It might be good to have an agreement in advance where when you feel hurt by him you tell him you feel hurt but are unsure if it’s him or you and that you need a bit of time alone to work it out. Although it’s very important to talk things over, it can also be important to let strong emotions die down before doing that, especially if they might be emotions about the past rather than the current situation. This will require some restraint from both of you as he’ll feel the need to know what it’s all about and you’ll feel the need to express your hurt. If there’s someone you can talk it over with first who is a good listener and will give an honest balanced view then that might help (rather than someone who will take sides), but you might want discuss that with your partner in advance. When you have that time alone, try and remember how your partner normally is. Would it be out of character for him to do something like that? Try and remember nice things he’s done for you as it might help you connect with him instead of the past and work out what’s what. When you feel ready, talk to him about it calmly. Ask him about things you are unsure about or need clarification on. Remember to ask him how he feels too. It may be then that you need more time to think it over before you can feel like you can trust what he’s saying. This won’t be easy for either of you, but it might be much less painful than the alternatives and will lead to a gradual build-up of increased trust between you.
I know less about relationships than I do social anxiety, but I hope this helps in some way. There’s a good section on communication in David Burns’ “Feeling Good Handbook” that I found helpful if that interests you.
Best wishes to you both,
Nick
August 8th, 2009 at 5:06 am
HI,
my problem is this
6/10 people that i see in the outside world, smile at me in a veryy demeaning way, that make me want to hurt them. people go for second looks at me quickly as if there is something wrong with me. i just dont know what itttt could be. it just appeard, it started with a couple of ppll looking at my n trying to keep a straight face then as i looked around more, it iincreased.
i don’t know what to do. does anyone else have this number of ppll looking at them and trying to keep a straight face.
your response would be muchhh appreaciated
August 11th, 2009 at 12:53 am
Hi Peter,
I did meet someone once who seemed to be experiencing something similar to yourself. They expressed that a lot of people, including random strangers on the street, were looking at them in a very demeaning way. Unfortunately, we didn’t get the opportunity to talk further about it, but it closely resembled what you’re experiencing. They were very confused about why people were reacting this way to them. I didn’t get the opportunity to walk around with them so I could see what they meant, but I was wondering if you had someone you could walk around with so they could see what you’re seeing. Sometimes that can help clarify how much it is what we’re seeing and how much it is how we’re interpreting it. Our minds can very easily, and very powerfully, twist what we see to meet our expectations, especially when emotions are involved. So if we are very sensitive to people reacting that way to us, then we become hyper-vigilant of anything that might be a sign of someone reacting to us in that way. Our mind starts seeing any ambiguous or neutral signals as a sign of what we fear happening.
I used to experience something related because I was very sensitive to rejection by people. For example, if I was in a room feeling anxious, then if someone left the room, I would be sure they were leaving because they were disgusted and annoyed by my presence and didn’t want to be around me. In actual fact, looking back now, they were most likely going to the toilet. It was the same when I heard people laughing. It felt very real that it was directed at me and they were ridiculing me. I didn’t know why and would check to see if my hair was sticking up or I had something on my back, or maybe my flies were undone, but I couldn’t find any reason for it. I now understand it was all about my fears and me. I had an expectation that people would be like that towards me, I was very sensitive to any sign of it, but often what I thought I saw was something else. I used to smoke cannabis and the paranoia I was experiencing about how people were reacting to me or how they were thinking about me was very much amplified by this, although I didn’t realise it at the time.
Although I said in my post it can be helpful to look up and see how people are really behaving, sometimes when we feel really anxious, whatever we see can look threatening. Whenever anyone looks up at someone and makes eye contact, a typical polite response is to smile at them, but if we have become very sensitive to signs of threats or ridicule then those smiles could easily feel like people trying to hold back laughter. What could actually be happening is the complete opposite and that really they are trying to force a smile to let us know they are friendly and not a threat.
I always like to look at both side of things, and although the above seem like the most likely explanation to me, there is of course the possibility that people are being demeaning when they look at you in this way. It’s impossible to say without seeing the reactions myself, so I think it’s very important that you see your doctor about this and discuss what they think it might be. It sounds like you could benefit from seeing someone face to face and telling them what you said here – a professional who will give an honest opinion.
Best wishes,
Nick
August 31st, 2009 at 3:51 pm
dear nick,
i feel as though the majority of people i see in public are laughing at me. this problem has screwed up my life to the extent that i can’t go to public places and i can’t start a relationship with a girl because i think she would feel belittled by the laughter i get. my life is a living hell. i’m afraid i might hurt someone or myself in the future.i keep taking pictures of myself in the mirror but i just can’t see what’ so damn funny. please tell me what to do.
thank you.
August 31st, 2009 at 9:03 pm
i totally understand how you feel. Even the agression, anger… And then people tell you, “it’s all in your head”… Yeah, I also think so when every other person is involved in such situations… But me… no way. I can see people looking at me!!! i can see they turn around and look and laugh at me when i go by… and it’s killing me… And I know what they could be laughing at, I just don’t understand if so many people can see me this way!? And then I just think that my friends don’t see it and when they will, they are going to leave me and laugh with the others… And it affects EVERY aspect of our lives, doesn’t it?
We cannot live this way, can we? It’s always the same f***** questions – how does he/she see me? what does he/she think? why does he/she look at me like this? are they laughing at me? etc etc
i don’t want to become one of those freaks who go insane, get a gun and kill a few people around them… :/
September 8th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Hi Ali & Maya,
I think as I said to someone earlier, it’s impossible for me to know if a person’s mind is playing tricks on them or if what they are perceiving is accurate, so I really would encourage anyone who is unsure which it is to see a professional about it. A doctor or a private therapist is a good idea as they would hopefully give an honest opinion and be understanding towards these kinds of problems. This can be hard to do if you feel anxious around people, but if there’s any chance that you or someone else could come to harm then it’s important it is addressed early. If nothing else, it’s a step towards addressing the problem and getting closer to relief from it.
Whether it’s our perceptions being distorted or actual things that are happening to us, the feelings are always very real and the effect it is having on our life is very real. I just wanted you to know I acknowledge that and also to know I acknowledge that when it is in our mind, that doesn’t mean we can just snap out of it. It takes a process of building up and reinforcing little steps that build up to significant changes.
None of us can control other people or change everyone’s attitudes, which just leaves ourselves. Whatever the source of the distress it is always work on ourselves that we must do, whether that be changing our perceptions, understanding how our actions give us the results we get in life, or learning to cope with negativity from others in a healthy way. It might not be our fault that we have these challenges and we should never blame ourselves, but life isn’t always fair and it is usually (if not always) up to us to take the steps to make our life how we want it.
In determining what is an error in our perception and what is really what we think it is, I wondered how often you are out in public and hear someone laughing but know it is not directed at you? I just say this because when I used to think people were laughing at me it felt very real, but when I think back, there was almost never a time when I heard laughing and didn’t think it was aimed at me. Maybe I missed it, but I was acutely aware of the sound of laughing and I doubt I would have missed it. So although it seemed very real to me at the time, I would have to consider the possibility of it being due to my perception because it is unlikely that the only time people were laughing was when I went by. There were also of course times when I thought people were being nasty to me or they were actually being nasty to me and the way I reacted just fuelled the situation, so learning to manage our responses and reactions is all important too.
Regardless whether the laughing is aimed at you or about something else, the solution has to be about learning to be ok with the laughing through being ok with yourself and the way you have chosen to be. If you can achieve this then any ridicule will bounce off you and will not be of any concern to you.
I hope this is of some help,
Best wishes,
Nick
November 1st, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Maya, thats the same as me, i think if everyone else is laughing at me then my mates must just be holding back, and there has been an atmoshphere anyway, so i know they see what others see.
To be honest (no matter how hard it is to accept it) is that unfortuantly for me i do look quite odd (ungeneric) and its ruined my life. I dont go out anywhere, see anyone, just stay at home and i feel so trapped i don’t know how long i can cope with it. I don’t have any friends anymore, ofcourse my appearance, and the way you feel like ppl are treating you (and all the anxiety etc) has changed my personallity majorly, i used to be so outgoing and just used to love it. but now i get beat down by my own ‘fear’ (if you like) getting laughed at. And another thing i hate ppl saying oh its all in your head, well i must be hallucinating then cos i know what i see.
I just think it’s a shame that societies natural reaction to the way i look is to laugh or look at me like ‘what the f**k’.
I think the only way forward is to find a way to deal with it, because theres no changing the way you look. Can’t talk to my parents about it because its a real kind of insult i guess to them, and i dont want to insult them. But another thing that is important is what nick says about being ‘ok’ with yourself, for me, i don’t think thats possible. The reason i will never be ok with myself is because i know that no-one else will. (going on what ive experienced so far). who knows, speaking to like minded ppl would probably be good, ive never spoke to anyone who truly understands.
good luck with the rest of your lives people. try to stay strong – when you weep, you weep alone, when you laugh, you whole world laughs with you.
remember also, you’ve only got one shot at life.
November 1st, 2009 at 2:20 pm
i don’t just look ungeneric, i look wierd, i freak ppl out e.g, my so called mate and i knocked on a mates door, and the when he answered my mate said to the guy who opened the door, oh, whats the matter xxxx you look freaked out? yeah i know exactly what he was doing there. Does he realise what he’s saying about me?And no, that was not paranoia, the fact is the tension and atmoshphere about the subject with this guy has been wierd for a while and i know 100% that was a dig at me.
So if anyone is reading this post who has ever laughed or made a joke about someones appearance, just remember this. That person knows your laughing at them, but for them, it’s not just YOU they have to deal with, it’s everyone.
Now with that in mind, concentrate, put yourself in there shoes, say to yourself in your head, people are staring, laughing at you, EVERYONE, say it over and over and over, go on just ‘act’ like your having an anxiety attack because its that bad. And now think yourself damn lucky that you can turn it on and off.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:08 am
Thanks for your comments, Dave.
I was wondering if you and others could find this video useful. It’s about a guy called W. Mitchell who has learnt to not let how he looks hold him back in life, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPTbn1XQiXM. I’ve known about this guy for a while and thought this would be a good thread to mention him on.
Best wishes,
Nick
March 21st, 2010 at 7:52 pm
I’m 13 and i feel this way. Is that normal?? I have tried to look at the ppl laughing, but I’m usually in a classroom and they’re behind me so it’d be super weird. This really
helped me because I thought I was the only person who felt this way, but I guess not!! Yay!! I am going to try my best not to feel this way tomorrow at school. Thanks!!! ;D
March 21st, 2010 at 7:56 pm
Another thing, I am experiencing the same thing that Peter
wrote above ^.
Thanks!!
March 25th, 2010 at 10:13 am
(16 male)hi nick, the first post describes me perfectly but what i also get is a racing heart beat in these situation and dont seem to make eye contact with people because there looking directly at me other symptoms include shortness of breath and feeling low and energyless all the time. this only came around lastyear and now its got to the point were i feel asif how much my closest friends like me changes from day to day. my mood swings even amase me with my girlfriend whos very loyal i tend and has been for 2 years i tend to always make asumptions that shes sleeping with other people, over absolutely nothing. ive also found that im feeling physically ill now and also very low in myself. i find nomatter what college or school im at i never fit in anywere. ive even got to the point were i feel like this around family, like there thinking badly of me. mabey anti deppressants could be the answer? i just really need help
April 1st, 2010 at 1:51 pm
Hi Claire, It’s difficult to say what is and what isn’t normal in this world we live in. Certainly though there will be other people of your age who feel like people’s laughing is always directed at them. A lot of people say their social anxiety started or worsened in their teens. I hope it’s reassuring to know you’re not the only one and that helps you dismiss these thoughts and override them.
Hi Ryan, The symptoms you describe such as a racing heart beat, shortness of breath and fatigue are common among people experiencing anxiety. Difficulty making eye contact is also common with people experiencing social anxiety.
As difficult as it may be, I’d encourage you to see your doctor about this to confirm they are anxiety and also so you can start receiving help with this early one. Although it’s possible to make changes later, it’s better to catch it early on before habit ingrain and before parts of your life and identity get consumed by these feelings. Unfortunately, these things often don’t just go away of their own accord as you get older. Getting some help will likely also help you with low mood and the difficulties you have with trust in your relationship. I’d ask your doctor for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, especially since you are fairly young. All the best with getting the help you need. This web page offers some additional information, http://www.sawest.org/social_anxiety_help.shtml
Nick
April 6th, 2010 at 11:53 am
Nice post, was wondering if you would permit me to link to it in a article i am currently typing for my own site? Cheers Morgan Whittle
April 8th, 2010 at 4:09 am
I am so glad I found this page !!! I have been living in a mental prison for the past 6-8 months dealing with all of these emotions and feelings of anxiety. I can honestly say that every article that has been posted here I have been dealing with. I feel like everywhere I go people stare at me and fight themselves to not bust out laughing at me. I look in the mirror some days and I am ok with myself but if I see a photo or video of myself it is devastating and almost unbearable to look at. I have a beautiful woman in my life and I tell myself, well if there was something wrong with you then she would not be with me, but then I start to think of the movies Shallow Hal… and start to think that maybe I am the only one who sees my girl the way I do and that maybe she is really messed up and I just don’t see it. I feel like I am going crazy and it is affecting my job, my living arrangements and my relationships with family and friends. I want to get some help but have no insurance and can not afford to get insurance. I hate walking around every day feeling like people are laughing at me and making fun of me.
Real quick I had an incident today where I went to see my girlfriends son play baseball and everything was great until the walk to the car as we were walking I noticed a guy standing at his car staring at me smiling and laughing without the noise. I told my girl and she said I was tripping he was just being polite. How do you stare at someone to just be polite…I think that is just rude as hell. I wanted to beat this guy to a pulp and I am big enough that I could have easily done so. I don’t know what to do.
HEEEELLLLLLP!!!!!!
Steven S.
April 16th, 2010 at 3:20 am
this is an awesome thread. I have experienced a lot of this stuff and Nick, I really like your take on it and the fact that you’re trying to help other people. It can be so crippling.
For me, I didn’t come to a place where i felt that people weren’t being cruel. I actually do think that a lot of people are really cruel but they don’t realize it. Because of the way culture is, it’s just not very compassionate. I also think I’m more attuned (I don’t like the word “sensitive”) to cruelty because for me I don’t understand it-I would never take pleasure in someone else’s discomfort unless they’d been bullying or abusing me in the extreme for a long time and even then I’d still maintain a level of concern for their feelings. I think these truly caring qualities get people bullied and beat up on. People take advantage, make fun of you for being nice and innocent, or naive, because you can’t conceive of wanting to hurt others or using their misfortune or “dorkiness” as a reason to bond with someone else or laugh.
so for me the solution is not changing my perceptions of others but becoming a better friend to myself. it doesn’t sound like it would help but for me it’s the only answer. I can’t depend on anyone else to not treat me badly, but I can depend on myself not to blame myself for their bad behavior, and take good care of myself emotionally and physically. Whatever, ultimately if someone needs someone else’s misfortune or characteristics to find joy or companionship in life, they have the kind of crutch they’ll never get rid of, and a bad soul too. I find joy and laughter without hurting others, and that’s integrity at its core.
thanks Nick for all this, you certainly seem to have come so far!
and to the girl who’s boyfriend is making comments in the liquor store- it sounds like he was making fun of drunks, not you, hon, but if he doesn’t know your sore spots by now and take care to avoid them he might be a little self centered. he needs to listen to your feelings regardless what he thinks of them and respect you. you deserve that
April 17th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
Hi Steven,
My initial thoughts were that he might have been gawking at your girlfriend because he found her attractive and your girlfriend either didn’t want to tell you this as she didn’t want you to feel bad or she didn’t perceive it that way herself. These are only my thoughts though but I just wanted to express them in case it helps offer a new perspective. It’s very common for people with SA to miss-perceive people actions and intentions due to the strong feelings they get. I was at someone’s house once and I was convinced that this person walked out because they couldn’t stand being in the same room as me any more, but looking back I think they were just using the toilet. It’s not easy to deal with these strong feeling, but keep learning and taking steps forward an reaching out for help when you need it.
All the best,
Nick
April 17th, 2010 at 8:20 pm
Thanks for your comment Ashley, it sounds like you’ve taken the right approach with learning to be a friend to yourself and being able to hold your self-esteem however people are towards you. Keep it up
Nick
May 15th, 2010 at 11:26 am
O.K, now I don’t know whether this was my paranoia that kicked in anyway, In this shop I was speaking to a guy and not long after I notice my body temperate heating up, then I started to sweat. Anyhow I thought to myself at that instant. WTF! Just as my heart rate adjusts, I thought I intercepted this other guys laugh pass through my ears. I don’t know how or why but I did look at him for a second soon after and continue talking to finish of the conversation.. Now I am certain its nothing. But it felt like I heard a voice now why would you hear a voice in that situation. I do suppose my brain is over working a wee bit compared to the norm. Fun experience for me overall
May 29th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
What if when the person walks in your direction, sees you then looks away only to look back at you then snigger?? I have been having this problem now for the best part of the last 5 weeks or so. Sometimes I will look away or on the floor but other times will look at them straight in their eyes. I have stopped a couple of people in the last week and a half but found my mannerism kinda aggressive towards one of them. I feel really bad about it and was quite negative to the girl. I asked her directly what she found funny about me to laugh about but she denied this.
I feel that when I walk past most people nowadays that they are actually sniggering at me as they do this when they walk past. I know this as when they see me this is when it happens. It is like you know the difference between the two smiles, one is pleasant and the other is like they are thinking something funny about you.
I dress smartly but doesn’t matter what I may be dressed up like as it still happens. I can be casual, scruffy or smart. The result is still the same, can anyone please help me with this?? :0( I am due to see a counsellor on the 1st of June so hopefully this may be of help.
Thanks everyone:0(
June 1st, 2010 at 1:22 am
I hope it is useful to have this entry and associated comments. There doesn’t seem to be nearly enough information about on these kind of socially anxious thoughts.
I though it was worth mentioning ‘paranoid schizophrenia’ on here for anyone visiting this page. This can involve auditory hallucinations, such as hearing laughing, and/or visual hallucinations. I should point out though that just because someone’s thoughts are paranoid, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have schizophrenia, and social anxiety often involves much paranoid thinking. If anyone does feel they are experiencing something more than social phobia though, such as hearing voices or laughing when no one is around, then please go and see your doctor. Schizophrenia is not a subject that I’m hugely knowledgeable about, but I do know that it is important that it’s treated early. I don’t want to scare anyone into thinking that they have something more serious but it is possible that someone with paranoid schizophrenia could end up finding this page.
June 4th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
I am so glad I found this web posting. I have been really concerned about my sensitivity to people laughing. There are times when I am concentrating on my workload and all of a sudden I hear people around me bursting out laughing. It really disturbs me. Granted I do wear two hearing aids so sounds to me are harsher than normal hearing. Sometimes I turn down the volume but other times I don’t because I wish my coworkers would have a little more respect with the noise in the workplace. But it always seems when I am not laughing with a group of people I don’t like it when they are laughing around me. Sometimes I think they are laughing at me and other times it is just a disturbance.
I do suffer from depression and anxiety. My anxiety has always seem to have been there all my life but has worsened as I get older. It’s like I a more sensitive to my surroundings. I need to talk about this subject at my depression group I attend so I can hear other people’s stories and feedback regarding this. Reading everyone’s posts does help me knowing I am not alone. So I guess I have some social anxiety to work with. Thanks everyone for having the courage to come forward on this subject.
Good luck everybody.
June 10th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Today I walked past this guy who was sniggering to himself….I automatically assumed he was laughing at me so looked at him angrily and then his female friend looked back at me as if to say ‘what the heck’. As I walked on, I turned round to see him looking in my direction. At this point I was absolutely convinced he had been laughing at me and went back to confront him. He was clearly in a state of shock and said he honestly was not laughing at me…I didn’t believe it of course but had to take his word for it at which point I was left embarrassed, confused and walked off in state of bewilderment.
Reflecting on this, perhaps the guy was laughing to himself about something completely unrelated to me. But my social paranoia allowed me to believe he MUST be laughing at me in turn causing me to react angrily which his female friend probably picked up on and then proceded to inform him so he looked round to check.
So my whole interpretion of the event could be off, not to mention that I may have caused the whole situation (if he wasn’t laughing) due to my paranoia.
June 10th, 2010 at 4:51 pm
Also if I’m out and about and hear specific comments, i.e. derrogatory words, I automatically assume the person must be referring to me. Spefically anything appearance related, like ‘ugly’ or ‘fat’. I can’t help but think why else must they be using these words in my vicinity unless they are talking about me. It sounds so self absorbed but I honestly can’t help but think this way.
I’m prone to outbursts of anger so if having a bad idea I worry it could get nasty either verbally or even physically. Not sure I trust myself anymore, so prefer not to go out unless I absolutely have to in order to protect myself and others.
June 10th, 2010 at 4:54 pm
I meant bad DAY not idea, sorry.
July 7th, 2010 at 3:17 am
Hi, this blog is really helpful. For me, I’m experiencing that since my 14-15 years old. As life go on, there’s always at least one experience per day, I mean like I’m walking in the street, passing near peoples; Usually, when people are walking alone and they look at me, they’re just passing by, some looking at me curiously, but when there is 2 or more friends walking together and looking at me at the same time, often upcoming the same situations: looking all the time in my direction as I passed by, if I’m coming front and our eyes crossed, the person ( it’s often girls) start to smile and laugh a lil bit,etc. Well, I’m really accustomed with that problem. It decreased my natural ability to meet and speak easily with people , and it’ makin me sick.
That’s sad cause I know why they acting like that, (physically reason). I have a scar on the face, ( who’s not still health completely that I had since a chirurgic operation.
I lived hard moment due to that, and I’ was interest to share you my case because I have never talk about that to people , only to God, praying to him.
Sorry for my english, it’s isn’t my main language, but I know you’ll understand the majority.
July 9th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
The thing that’s really helpful to me: think that everyone around are humans. Human like you, it is normal to everybody : you react as what you see or live. And sometime reactions aren’t what that you’ve expected , or what that you like. We are all differents, with many similarities. Well, if you’re living that anxiosity, just be normal, think that the others around you are humans, and they are not perfect.