Are People Laughing at You?
If you are a social anxiety sufferer then it is quite likely that there has been a time when it has felt like people are laughing at you. Sure, everyone gets laughed at a few times in their life, but the difference with social anxiety is that, it feels like people are laughing at you, but they are not.
I used to be so self-conscious and paranoid about how I appeared to others that I would frequently feel like people were laughing at me. Was I walking oddly? Was there something stuck on my back? Was my hair sticking up? Maybe my flies were undone? Or perhaps, did they think I just looked pain weird? I did not feel able to, for example, check if something was stuck on my back because it felt like I was playing into the joke or would just look odd checking nothing. I would end up trying to look in shop windows to check how I was appearing to others, but struggled to find a way to do it discretely. As with many people with social anxiety, my self-focus was not an act of vanity, I was trying to manage what felt like an intimidating and vulnerable situation.
Even though my appearance was not great, I now understand that there was nothing about myself that warranted other people to laugh at me and those people probably did not even notice me at all. My feelings felt very real, but as much as I tried to convince myself that they were probably laughing at something else, doubt kept in creeping into my mind. Eventually, though, I did overcome this problem. This was quite an ingrained problem and was one of the last aspects of my social anxiety to leave me.
Although not a complete solution, an important part of overcoming this paranoia is to look up at the people who are laughing. That can be hard to do as our natural response is often to be submissive and look down or away, but through looking away we starve ourselves of any information that may counter our paranoid assumptions. By looking up at the people who are laughing, we get to find out if they are really looking at us. As you might know logically, it is quite unlikely that they are, but by actually seeing for yourself you get real evidence, and that can have a powerful effect on your feelings. Of course, it may be that they really are looking in your direction and laughing (although this is rarely the case), but in this situation the exercise can still be valuable. What we see with our eyes is usually not as bad as what our imagination can create for us, so by looking up we still help ourselves.
Sometimes when we are anxious and it feels like other people do not like us, then we can react in a negative way when there is actually nothing to react to. This can sometimes cause the situations we fear happening, to actually happen. So when you look up at people who are laughing, make sure you are operating from an attitude of curiosity rather than defence. Just take a quick look and do not stare. Also, if you make eye-contact, then give a quick smile and keep going about your business. It is always best to take the approach of innocent until proven guilty. It is often more our reactions to situations that give them meaning than people’s original intentions.
Everyone’s experience in unique, so please feel free to share yours by posting a comment.
Tags: eye contact, Feeling Intimidated, Feels like people are laughing, Reacting to People, Self-Consciousness, Social Phobia, Vanity
January 8th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I totally relate to this! It’s not always about laughing for me though, I can become very self-focused on various aspects of myself and generating an internal image of how I think I look to others. Which just seems to feed into itself further.
Ive started focusing around me, even when I maybe think people are vlooking at me negatively, and giving myself counter-evidence as you mention. The difference is, for me, this isn’t really the ‘last’ aspect of my SA Im tackling but more the first. It’s giving me information I was previously unaware of and so helping break down a vicious cycle. I therefore feel more able to do simple things that used to be a big strain, such as shopping. Not having to worry about your internally generated images is such a relief!
February 5th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
i appreciate you putting this up, but i swear when i’m on the train i notice people staring at me then when i look at them their staring me directly in the eye with a big smile on their face, like thiers somethings funny about me.sometimes i want to swear at them or resort to violence. how am i being paranoid?
February 5th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Hi Ali,
What you describe is not uncommon. When we’re socially anxious everything can seem like a threat and our strong feelings can easily cloud our perception of what is happening. This does not mean that we see different things from other people, but rather that the assumptions we make about what things mean becomes distorted. It can be very difficult to untangle our emotions from the situation, but not impossible.
It is possible that these people thought something was funny about you, but if you’ve experienced this on a regular basis or more than a couple of times, and you also experience social anxiety, then it’s highly likely that what you think is happening in the situation is more influenced by your emotions than what is actually happening. This can make an innocent comment or look seem like a threat. I experienced this on a regular basis and many other people with social anxiety also experience this. Bigger problems would arise if you reacted to your feelings as you can end up turning an innocent or friendly person against you. For example, if you swore at the person smiling at you they might react by laughing at you, walking off and calling you a weirdo or something along those lines. This would then seem to confirm what you felt when they were smiling at you, but what actually happened was you turned them against you by reacting to an inaccurate perception of the situation. If you smiled back instead or initiated a conversation then you might find evidence that goes against what you are feeling and have a very different experience.
People often people watch as there’s not much to do on trains or buses, or they are often lost in their thoughts and might be staring at people without realising it. This can be embarrassing for them when they realise because you look at them. When strangers make eye-contact, the typical response is for the stranger to smile back. It’s a non-verbal message that says ‘I acknowledge you, I am friendly and not a threat’, but of course with social anxiety this message gets distorted and can be interpreted as ridicule or a threat. We take it personally and become concerned that the other person thinks something bad about us, but this is to do with our self-perceptions rather than the other person.
Because our reactions (including just our facial expression) can cause problems when none exist, it’s a good idea to always assume that other people’s intentions are good unless you encounter strong evidence that suggests otherwise. This does not mean to do away with caution, but if we always respond positively then it usually works out best for us.
1. If the other person had good intentions then your positive response obviously is appropriate and there’s a good outcome to the situation.
2. If the other person’s intentions are bad and you give a positive response then they are put in a difficult situation where they have to start being nice or show themselves up to having bad intentions while you maintain your integrity and they do not.
Often with social anxiety, people often assume everyone’s intentions are bad which can cause them a lot of confusion, frustrations and problems. This is sometimes because they have been continually treated badly in the past leaving them to think that other people are generally not nice. It is important to go against the flow of those past experiences and prove to ourselves that this is not the case. Most people (not everyone) are usually nice well-meaning people. To help yourself enter a situation with the assumption that people will respond in a nice way it can help to imagine them responding in a nice way just before you approach them.
I hope this helps.
All the best,
Nick
April 14th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Great tips.
April 18th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
I am crying right now because I thought I was the only one that felt like this. I am glad this is up.
I had a fight lastnight with my fiance. It was over him and this clerk laughing at me. In the store though, i kept my cool until we got to our vehicle though.
We went to a liquor store. I asked the lady where I could find SOHO LYCHEE liquor. She helped and I was greatful. My fiance and I strolled around a bit and went to her till. She asked what I would mix with the product she helped me find? I told her and I was not finished, but my fiance stepped in and joked, “Liar-she’s gonna drink it straight from the bottle outside.” She laughed histrically. I didn’t hear him mind you, but she did. At that moment I was getting a little angry because she seemed to be laughing at me. I said, “I don’t know what he even said?” She’s still laughing and says, “Nothing.” My man laughing-their laughing together. I’m like whatever, but it still making me feel uncomfortable so i stay quiet,red, speechless with alittle smile to not show anger.
So anyway, hear I am trying to figure out what to do? even with my fiance. i slept on the couch last night. he knows I’m angry but wants me to forget about it and thinks I’m ridiculous, which i am, but thier my feelings. Until reading this post today, I felt like I was going crazy.Mind you having SA can feel like at times. I wasn’t always like this, and one post was correct when he/she said that it is also from past experiences. I think people have laughed at me before. I strive to move that fear away from me with great difficulty and it comes with me whereever I am. In all my past relationships I acn think of instances where I have felt like this and even in my school. I don’t really talk much there with anyone. i don’t have good friends anymore partly because of this fear of socializing.
Thank-you again everyone for your compassion
April 18th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
I just have to add something…
how do you know for sure if you are just being paranoid or not about a person or people in genral? I do not want to ignore that their are cruel people out there, that may very well be trying to get you mad? I try my hardest to see good in everyone and sometimes that fails me too because the person that I thought was so nice turns out to be someone I wouldn’y want to hang out with. That i swher two-faced came to be. Some people are too fake for me and I can not stand it. It are those same type of people that are rude and abnoxious. help?! how do I trust when my past experience has proven that there are mean people out there and people that are not compassionate to others-they do not know me, but they do judge, which is one of many feelings you get when having SA.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Hi C,
Thanks for leaving a comment. It can be very emotional when you first find out about others going through the same and when speaking about it for the first time. I remember welling up and holding back the tears when I spoke to my doctor about it, who was the first person I’d every spoken to face to face about it. The years of built up pain and fear just start pouring out of you.
I think your words most likely echo how many people with social anxiety feel. Most, if not all, people with social anxiety are very sensitive to anything that could even slightly be seen as criticism, ridicule or aggression. And as you point out, one of the hardest things about it is not being able to see if our feeling are justified. Am I overreacting or am I justified in being upset? Am I letting this person walk all over me? Should I assert myself, or will I be overreacting? It can be very confusing.
There is no easy answer to this, but as you work on building your confidence, what it right and wrong in these situations will become clearer to you. It is about what has happened in the past, but more importantly, it is about how we’ve come to think of and treat ourselves because of the past. When we believe in ourselves and have confidence in who we are and what we’re about, the things other people say do not feel so personal. Typically, the things other people say hurt because we are either very scared of losing their love or are dependant on them, because we believe that what they say might actually be true about ourselves (even though it might actually not be), or it triggers painful memories of the past (or often, all three). It’s important to recognise that these are all things about ourselves, but of course that also does not mean we should accept people being disrespectful towards us.
Having been on both sides myself, I have an idea of how painful situations like this can be for both yourself and your fiancé. To you it feels like the person you love and are devoted to is being totally disrespectful and hurtful by siding with others and making fun of you. It feels like they don’t care about you. To him it feels like the girl he loves and is devoted to is accusing, and maybe even punishing, him for something he’s not done and now she’s not trusting his explanation either. It feels like she doesn’t care about him. If you had a problem with alcohol and he knew about it then what he said would be a hurtful thing to say. I would be hurt too, but it does sound more like he was just trying to be funny, funny because going outside and necking down the bottle on one go is so not what you’d typically do, but because you couldn’t hear what they said, the situation seemed reminiscent of past experiences and brought up lots of old negative feelings which made you feel like they were being nasty to you and making fun of you, just like other have been towards you.
It’s easy for things to get tangled up like this with social anxiety. It often matters how people say things as well as what they say, but with social anxiety, our feelings can make words sound spiteful and judgemental even when that’s not the case. If you know that you are very sensitive then it’s probably a good idea to discuss it with your partner at a time when things are ok so he can understand better. It might be good to have an agreement in advance where when you feel hurt by him you tell him you feel hurt but are unsure if it’s him or you and that you need a bit of time alone to work it out. Although it’s very important to talk things over, it can also be important to let strong emotions die down before doing that, especially if they might be emotions about the past rather than the current situation. This will require some restraint from both of you as he’ll feel the need to know what it’s all about and you’ll feel the need to express your hurt. If there’s someone you can talk it over with first who is a good listener and will give an honest balanced view then that might help (rather than someone who will take sides), but you might want discuss that with your partner in advance. When you have that time alone, try and remember how your partner normally is. Would it be out of character for him to do something like that? Try and remember nice things he’s done for you as it might help you connect with him instead of the past and work out what’s what. When you feel ready, talk to him about it calmly. Ask him about things you are unsure about or need clarification on. Remember to ask him how he feels too. It may be then that you need more time to think it over before you can feel like you can trust what he’s saying. This won’t be easy for either of you, but it might be much less painful than the alternatives and will lead to a gradual build-up of increased trust between you.
I know less about relationships than I do social anxiety, but I hope this helps in some way. There’s a good section on communication in David Burns’ “Feeling Good Handbook” that I found helpful if that interests you.
Best wishes to you both,
Nick
August 8th, 2009 at 5:06 am
HI,
my problem is this
6/10 people that i see in the outside world, smile at me in a veryy demeaning way, that make me want to hurt them. people go for second looks at me quickly as if there is something wrong with me. i just dont know what itttt could be. it just appeard, it started with a couple of ppll looking at my n trying to keep a straight face then as i looked around more, it iincreased.
i don’t know what to do. does anyone else have this number of ppll looking at them and trying to keep a straight face.
your response would be muchhh appreaciated
August 11th, 2009 at 12:53 am
Hi Peter,
I did meet someone once who seemed to be experiencing something similar to yourself. They expressed that a lot of people, including random strangers on the street, were looking at them in a very demeaning way. Unfortunately, we didn’t get the opportunity to talk further about it, but it closely resembled what you’re experiencing. They were very confused about why people were reacting this way to them. I didn’t get the opportunity to walk around with them so I could see what they meant, but I was wondering if you had someone you could walk around with so they could see what you’re seeing. Sometimes that can help clarify how much it is what we’re seeing and how much it is how we’re interpreting it. Our minds can very easily, and very powerfully, twist what we see to meet our expectations, especially when emotions are involved. So if we are very sensitive to people reacting that way to us, then we become hyper-vigilant of anything that might be a sign of someone reacting to us in that way. Our mind starts seeing any ambiguous or neutral signals as a sign of what we fear happening.
I used to experience something related because I was very sensitive to rejection by people. For example, if I was in a room feeling anxious, then if someone left the room, I would be sure they were leaving because they were disgusted and annoyed by my presence and didn’t want to be around me. In actual fact, looking back now, they were most likely going to the toilet. It was the same when I heard people laughing. It felt very real that it was directed at me and they were ridiculing me. I didn’t know why and would check to see if my hair was sticking up or I had something on my back, or maybe my flies were undone, but I couldn’t find any reason for it. I now understand it was all about my fears and me. I had an expectation that people would be like that towards me, I was very sensitive to any sign of it, but often what I thought I saw was something else. I used to smoke cannabis and the paranoia I was experiencing about how people were reacting to me or how they were thinking about me was very much amplified by this, although I didn’t realise it at the time.
Although I said in my post it can be helpful to look up and see how people are really behaving, sometimes when we feel really anxious, whatever we see can look threatening. Whenever anyone looks up at someone and makes eye contact, a typical polite response is to smile at them, but if we have become very sensitive to signs of threats or ridicule then those smiles could easily feel like people trying to hold back laughter. What could actually be happening is the complete opposite and that really they are trying to force a smile to let us know they are friendly and not a threat.
I always like to look at both side of things, and although the above seem like the most likely explanation to me, there is of course the possibility that people are being demeaning when they look at you in this way. It’s impossible to say without seeing the reactions myself, so I think it’s very important that you see your doctor about this and discuss what they think it might be. It sounds like you could benefit from seeing someone face to face and telling them what you said here – a professional who will give an honest opinion.
Best wishes,
Nick
August 31st, 2009 at 3:51 pm
dear nick,
i feel as though the majority of people i see in public are laughing at me. this problem has screwed up my life to the extent that i can’t go to public places and i can’t start a relationship with a girl because i think she would feel belittled by the laughter i get. my life is a living hell. i’m afraid i might hurt someone or myself in the future.i keep taking pictures of myself in the mirror but i just can’t see what’ so damn funny. please tell me what to do.
thank you.
August 31st, 2009 at 9:03 pm
i totally understand how you feel. Even the agression, anger… And then people tell you, “it’s all in your head”… Yeah, I also think so when every other person is involved in such situations… But me… no way. I can see people looking at me!!! i can see they turn around and look and laugh at me when i go by… and it’s killing me… And I know what they could be laughing at, I just don’t understand if so many people can see me this way!? And then I just think that my friends don’t see it and when they will, they are going to leave me and laugh with the others… And it affects EVERY aspect of our lives, doesn’t it?
We cannot live this way, can we? It’s always the same f***** questions – how does he/she see me? what does he/she think? why does he/she look at me like this? are they laughing at me? etc etc
i don’t want to become one of those freaks who go insane, get a gun and kill a few people around them… :/
September 8th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Hi Ali & Maya,
I think as I said to someone earlier, it’s impossible for me to know if a person’s mind is playing tricks on them or if what they are perceiving is accurate, so I really would encourage anyone who is unsure which it is to see a professional about it. A doctor or a private therapist is a good idea as they would hopefully give an honest opinion and be understanding towards these kinds of problems. This can be hard to do if you feel anxious around people, but if there’s any chance that you or someone else could come to harm then it’s important it is addressed early. If nothing else, it’s a step towards addressing the problem and getting closer to relief from it.
Whether it’s our perceptions being distorted or actual things that are happening to us, the feelings are always very real and the effect it is having on our life is very real. I just wanted you to know I acknowledge that and also to know I acknowledge that when it is in our mind, that doesn’t mean we can just snap out of it. It takes a process of building up and reinforcing little steps that build up to significant changes.
None of us can control other people or change everyone’s attitudes, which just leaves ourselves. Whatever the source of the distress it is always work on ourselves that we must do, whether that be changing our perceptions, understanding how our actions give us the results we get in life, or learning to cope with negativity from others in a healthy way. It might not be our fault that we have these challenges and we should never blame ourselves, but life isn’t always fair and it is usually (if not always) up to us to take the steps to make our life how we want it.
In determining what is an error in our perception and what is really what we think it is, I wondered how often you are out in public and hear someone laughing but know it is not directed at you? I just say this because when I used to think people were laughing at me it felt very real, but when I think back, there was almost never a time when I heard laughing and didn’t think it was aimed at me. Maybe I missed it, but I was acutely aware of the sound of laughing and I doubt I would have missed it. So although it seemed very real to me at the time, I would have to consider the possibility of it being due to my perception because it is unlikely that the only time people were laughing was when I went by. There were also of course times when I thought people were being nasty to me or they were actually being nasty to me and the way I reacted just fuelled the situation, so learning to manage our responses and reactions is all important too.
Regardless whether the laughing is aimed at you or about something else, the solution has to be about learning to be ok with the laughing through being ok with yourself and the way you have chosen to be. If you can achieve this then any ridicule will bounce off you and will not be of any concern to you.
I hope this is of some help,
Best wishes,
Nick
November 1st, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Maya, thats the same as me, i think if everyone else is laughing at me then my mates must just be holding back, and there has been an atmoshphere anyway, so i know they see what others see.
To be honest (no matter how hard it is to accept it) is that unfortuantly for me i do look quite odd (ungeneric) and its ruined my life. I dont go out anywhere, see anyone, just stay at home and i feel so trapped i don’t know how long i can cope with it. I don’t have any friends anymore, ofcourse my appearance, and the way you feel like ppl are treating you (and all the anxiety etc) has changed my personallity majorly, i used to be so outgoing and just used to love it. but now i get beat down by my own ‘fear’ (if you like) getting laughed at. And another thing i hate ppl saying oh its all in your head, well i must be hallucinating then cos i know what i see.
I just think it’s a shame that societies natural reaction to the way i look is to laugh or look at me like ‘what the f**k’.
I think the only way forward is to find a way to deal with it, because theres no changing the way you look. Can’t talk to my parents about it because its a real kind of insult i guess to them, and i dont want to insult them. But another thing that is important is what nick says about being ‘ok’ with yourself, for me, i don’t think thats possible. The reason i will never be ok with myself is because i know that no-one else will. (going on what ive experienced so far). who knows, speaking to like minded ppl would probably be good, ive never spoke to anyone who truly understands.
good luck with the rest of your lives people. try to stay strong – when you weep, you weep alone, when you laugh, you whole world laughs with you.
remember also, you’ve only got one shot at life.
November 1st, 2009 at 2:20 pm
i don’t just look ungeneric, i look wierd, i freak ppl out e.g, my so called mate and i knocked on a mates door, and the when he answered my mate said to the guy who opened the door, oh, whats the matter xxxx you look freaked out? yeah i know exactly what he was doing there. Does he realise what he’s saying about me?And no, that was not paranoia, the fact is the tension and atmoshphere about the subject with this guy has been wierd for a while and i know 100% that was a dig at me.
So if anyone is reading this post who has ever laughed or made a joke about someones appearance, just remember this. That person knows your laughing at them, but for them, it’s not just YOU they have to deal with, it’s everyone.
Now with that in mind, concentrate, put yourself in there shoes, say to yourself in your head, people are staring, laughing at you, EVERYONE, say it over and over and over, go on just ‘act’ like your having an anxiety attack because its that bad. And now think yourself damn lucky that you can turn it on and off.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:08 am
Thanks for your comments, Dave.
I was wondering if you and others could find this video useful. It’s about a guy called W. Mitchell who has learnt to not let how he looks hold him back in life, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPTbn1XQiXM. I’ve known about this guy for a while and thought this would be a good thread to mention him on.
Best wishes,
Nick