Being Yourself
More videos, but this time about being yourself and social anxiety. I explore how people with social anxiety find it hard to be themselves and offer some thoughts on the subject. I talk about people pleasing, adopting others opinions, identity, intimacy, honesty and expressing your feelings.
Tags: Being Yourself, Expressing Feeling, Honest, Identity, Intimacy, People Pleasing
January 17th, 2010 at 5:24 am
Hi Nick,
Thanks for another interesting topic!
I think that the most difficult thing for a person suffering from SAD is to actually allow people to get close and hence form intimate relationships. I know I have that problem and not because I would be a people pleaser, I’m still assertive and confident enough on that level to be able to express my own opinion in most situations despite often feeling awfully embarrassed afterwards, realising that all eyes were on me. I just don’t want to worry other people with my problems, often don’t feel they would understand and don’t even know where to start a conversation about own feelings. They always remind us that people are drawn to those with smiling faces and a happy and easy-going attitude towards life. In that case, revealing own dark side can be off putting for most people. I started seeing a psychologist recently and cry every time I’m there when I talk about my personal problems and my emotions come to the surface. I just can’t imagine talking about things like that to anyone else which is why I often feel I have a double identity – a happy face when I’m in public and a sad one when I’m alone.
May 15th, 2011 at 5:03 am
I have no trouble expressing my opinions with family or friends i’ve known for ages (although they do tell me I’ve always been a private person when it comes to personal information) but when it comes to making new friends I never know quite how to act or what to say. I’m also definitely a people-pleaser.
It takes so much time to get to know someone fully. I feel as though I am likeable if someone knows me fully, but it is impossible to represent myself in a complete way on a first, second, third meeting. As a result of that I fear the person not “getting” me because all they heard was me talking about one aspect of my personality (like if I talk about the books I like, they think I’m a bookworm, or a party I went to, a dumb socialite…. and if they don’t read or drink alcohol, they may disapprove in some way and write me off….) Especially because I’m also usually nervous, which isn’t “me” either.
And so I would always try to find out what other people were like before showing them what I was like, and then I was really only showing them a tailor-made side of myself. Like you said, it doesn’t inspire intimacy in people. Combined with my tendency to avoid any social situation where there are people that I don’t know, and I have only made one or two new friends in the past 5 years.
But I realize this is all illogical thinking and everything you said makes perfect sense. Especially when you said that people don’t want some kind of perfect show, they just want a connection. I never write people off just because they like and do different things than I do, so why do I expect them to judge me so harshly?
By the way, I thought it was cute that you said you were worried that the books behind you might seem pretentious. Before you said that, I was thinking how nice it looked, that you were clearly devoted to your study and that I recently purchased one of those books! And even if I did think it was pretentious, you’re obviously an intelligent and kind guy, and I would like you anyway. That’s something I need to learn how to think/feel properly: that I am likeable despite my flaws and mistakes (which half the time are inflated/perceived only by me anyway).
Easier said than done, though!
Thanks for your great articles.