Social Anxiety to Social Confidence

Perfectionism is commonly associated with people with anxiety disorders which includes social anxiety. There is not time to explore this link fully here, but the aspect of it I want to explore here is how our perfectionistic drives change once we start to overcome our anxiety. Perfectionism has a useful side effect of making one put more effort into things than the average person and therefore this can lead to better than average results, but unfortunately for the perfectionist, satisfaction usually remains less than that for the average person. This is because what drives it is the thought that the slightest mistake or imperfection will lead to some kind of significant negative consequence and therefore anything but perfect is distressing. Even if the end result is outstanding, if it is not perfect, then for the perfectionist this is a disappointing failure that carries the risk of negative consequences for them.

Once we start to overcome our anxiety an interesting thing can start to happen. We start to lose our perfectionistic attitude and at the same time we can sometimes lose the drive to put in the effort get things perfectly right. The consequence is that we start making more mistakes or become more careless in our activities. Myself, I definitely noticed my driving deteriorate slightly as well as my attention to detail in certain activities, but the great thing about it was that I didn’t care and was able to enjoy what I was doing without anxiety and worry. Obviously it’s good to get things right and do things carefully, but there is not doubt about it, a slight drop in performance is a small price to pay to be free from anxiety and perfectionistic distress.

Perfectionism with better than average results is not always a part of anxiety and for some people their anxiety can significantly hinder their ability to do things well. Anxiety can significantly affect our concentration, awareness and co-ordination, with the result being that we make mistakes and are clumsy around others while we are normally fine on our own. I know I would certainly make more mistakes and possibly look a bit dumb if I had to do some kind of task while being watched compared to if I had to do the task on my own. This can be frustrating and embarrassing for the sufferer, but the good news is that once their confidence starts to grow, the mistakes will lessen and performance can even be boosted by the addition of an audience.

There is good news for the perfectionist too. Once you have overcome your anxiety, or even better, while you are overcoming your anxiety, you can start building a new attitude for your life that revolves around being outstanding rather than perfect. By focusing on outstanding we allow ourselves mistakes, but still set our standards high. Working towards outstanding is outstandingly rewarding compared to the dissatisfaction that surrounds perfectionism, so be sure to let yourself enjoy this change and make outstanding your goal.

There are various relaxation and breathing techniques that are taught to people with social anxiety and other anxiety conditions. These include things like progressive muscle relaxation, changing breathing patterns and recycling exhaled air. Such techniques are great and not so great all at the same time. They are great because they really can help relax someone and help them deal with an episode of anxiety and if you are an anxiety sufferer they are well worth learning to add to your range of tools to help yourself. On the other hand though, these techniques are not so great because they do not really tackle the cause of unwanted anxiety.

Relaxation and breathing techniques are what I class as anxiety management tools. They are things you can use to help once the anxiety has already happened, but they are not so useful in preventing you from getting anxious in the first place. It is true that such techniques can be helpful in breaking cycles of anxiety, but in my experience the effect they have on anxious cycles is weak compared to making appropriate changes to one’s thinking and behaviour. They also don’t work towards the prevention of those cycles being re-established. For these reasons you shouldn’t bank on breathing techniques as a solution for your anxiety long-term, but while you’re working on other things they are a useful addition that can help you relax when you’re anxious.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation
There will be lots of varying examples of this technique on the web if you search for it, but detailed below is how I like to do it. I find it particularly useful if I need to get to sleep in good time after a busy day as it’s a quick and healthy way to unwind. I’d definitely recommend it to people who have trouble sleeping and the more you do it the better it works usually. Obviously by the nature of the technique, it’s not going to be one you can use in social situations, but you might like to try thinking of a unique image or word while you’re in the relaxed state after using it so you associate the state with that image or word. It’s best to use something you wouldn’t normally think of and something pleasantly relaxing. Recalling the image or word in anxious situations can then help you go some way towards going into this relaxed state. This is just a way of using the natural way one’s mind builds associations when things occur together. Here’s what to do…

1. Sit in a comfy chair on lie on the bed in a position you feel most comfortable in with your eyes shut. I personally like to lie on my back with my legs straight and my arms by my side.
2. Take a fairly deep breath in, but not so it’s hard to hold it in, and hold it for 5 seconds. This alone can start you feeling relaxed. You may like to experiment a little with how long you hold it for, 5 seconds should be fine though.
3. Now let the breath out slowly and as you do so relax all the muscles in your face and focus on feeling them going heavy and that part of your body sinking into the chair or bed.
4. Now do steps 2 and 3 again with your neck, shoulders, upper arms, lower arms, hands, chest, back stomach and all other muscle groups in your body gradually working your way down to your feet.
5. At the end you can either repeat the process, or I like to do a few breaths while focusing on my whole body relaxing and sinking into the bed. Tension areas like the eyes, jaw, neck, shoulders and hands are good places to focus on and repeat if you are particularly tense.
6. If you have trouble relaxing any muscle group then try tensing it for a few seconds before trying to relax it.

This is not something to be rushed, in fact, purposefully do it very slowly and take your time. It will get easier the more you do it and you’ll be able to let go easier and relax more. Sometimes, if you get very relaxed you can go into a dream like state and see mental imagery, sometimes with a lot of clarity. It’s good to just let these images come and go without trying to think about them or control them, but don’t get frustrated if you find this difficult. Trying to be perfectionistic about relaxation does not really work so let what is just be what it is This technique is quite similar to meditation really, but some of you may like that it has a more practical focus. Enjoy!

As the title suggests, what I want to talk about is why it’s a good idea to welcome and accept your anxiety. This may go against a lot of people’s initial instincts, but there’s a very good reason to do it.

What we first must understand is that our goal should not be to get rid of our anxiety, but rather to address the parts of our psychology that produce it at inappropriate times. Anxiety is a horrible feeling, and it’s supposed to be, because it’s purpose is to make us avoid danger, not want to stick around it, but the anxiety wouldn’t be half as bad if it was just a physcial sensation that didn’t have any meaning behind it. It’s the meaning behind it that is our real target and once we understand that, we can start really making progress, rather than just fruitlessly fighting our anxiety.

So what is it that causes us our anxiety and our social distress? Well, contra to popular belief, it’s not what we fear that people will do to us or say about us. It’s true that it’s the fear of what people will do and say that is at the forefront of our minds, but what we’re usually really scared of is that we won’t cope if those people actually do or say those things. If we doubt ourselves and don’t trust ourselves to cope with what life throws at us then we end up feeling anxious about what life might throw at us. The goal therefore isn’t to become good enough so that people don’t reject us or do nasty things to us, but rather it is to have enough self-worth to trust ourselves to handle it when people do reject us or do nasty things to us.

By accepting and welcoming our anxiety we are sending a strong message to ourselves that we are able to cope with the anxiety and handle the situation, but when we try to fight our anxiety and control it we send ourselves a message that says, “I need to control this situation because I won’t be able to cope with it if I don’t”. Trying to fight or control anxiety is a losing battle, because the more you do it, the more you send a message to yourself that you’re at risk and therefore the more anxious you feel. Instead, welcome and accept the anxiety when you feel it and have faith in yourself to handle its presence and the situations you’re in. Only then will anxiety start to fade away and be replaced by confidence.

The blog was looking a bit bare, so I thought it best to write something. This is not a new thought to me, but I wanted to write about it here to express my respect. Over the years of running the social anxiety support group in Bristol and contributing to Internet forums, I’ve been frequently touched by the caring and kindness of people with social anxiety. People who are looking out for the well-being of others while they themselves are suffering. I like to give a balanced view of things and this post wouldn’t be complete without me saying that it shouldn’t be assumed that all people with social anxiety are kind, but on the whole, I’ve seen a lot of kindness compared to the average group of people.

Who can really say why this is, but I think the obvious answer must be that those who feel misunderstood and who suffer seek to understand and end suffering because they empathise with people who are misunderstood and who suffer. Although people who are socially anxious will often not express much love for others, this is by no means a reflection of their love for others, which can in many cases be very strong. My respect goes out to all those who are in a place of distress but who still take the time to show kindness to others.